Back in 2013 I was diagnosed with Psoriasis, an autoimmune skin disease in which part of the body’s immune system becomes overactive and attacks normal tissues in the body. This causes the skin cells to multiply 10 times faster than normal and form patches of thick red and silvery scales on the surface of the skin. Oftentimes it can be very painful to touch and very unsightly to look at.
Living with psoriasis has unique challenges. There have been nights when I couldn’t sleep from the sheer pain and discomfort. And there have been days when I would wake up with blood on my arms and legs from intense scratching that I could not prevent while I was asleep. I had little energy and often found it difficult to focus. But most of the time, I struggled with the emotional repercussions.
I experienced my first psoriasis flare my senior year of college - working 2 jobs, running a dance team, applying for post-grad jobs, and trying to figure out my plan for life after college. I was incredibly stressed 24/7, running on little sleep and little food. And as much as I liked to pretend that I had everything under control, my skin said other wise. Every emotional reaction I experienced triggered a physical reaction that showed up everywhere on my body. And it was completely debilitating to my self esteem. The more I stressed out the worse my skin got, and the worse my skin got the more I stressed out. As if seeing these angry welts on my body every time I rolled up my sleeves, changed my clothes, caught my reflection, or even looked down at my own skin didn’t cause me enough distress, there were also the inevitable comments and stares.
“What’s wrong with your skin? Did you get bitten by bugs? Is that an allergic reaction to something? Can’t you just put lotion on it? Don’t you have medicine for that? Why aren’t you taking care of yourself?”
All the questions and stares made me painfully self-conscious. I didn’t want to take pictures, I was scared to wear shorts, and dresses, and short sleeve shirts. I didn’t want to be seen. Thankfully with the right medications, the right amount of rest, and most importantly time - I was able to return to a state of near normalcy. But the emotional repercussions lingered. And with every flare that followed, my experience gnawed at the little self confidence I had left.
It wasn’t until my recent flare up during my trip to Costa Rica that I saw just how much of my self confidence my psoriasis had taken from me, when I was spending hours editing out the evidence of its existence from every single one of my pictures. It seemed ridiculous to me to try and pretend that I didn’t have this condition when the scars had barely even faded from my skin.
I realized then that it was time to be honest, because this is what living with a condition like psoriasis is like. And if I am going to continue to experience these flares in the future I need to build up my emotional strength and accept that this is a part of who I am. So here it is - I am directly saying that I have psoriasis. Its a burdensome condition that often alters my physical appearance but it has no bearing on who I am. There will be good days and there will be bad days. But I will still be me, and this will still be my skin. And it is still precious.
Mea cutis pretiosa.
