Finally Hawaii!

Finally Hawaii, one of my greatest vacations to date - filled with hikes, waterfalls, cliff jumps, fishes, kayak trips, and tons of sibling bonding. I was really discouraged earlier in the year when I thought I wouldn’t be able to make this trip happen, but a huge thanks to my older brother Christian and Jordan for helping me make this trip a reality. 

You know, I’ve always thought of myself as a generally physically fit person, able to adapt to most environments. But this trip was on a whole different level. I was tested in more ways than I could have imagined, and had to face some very real fears I have, especially with heights. But this trip also rewarded me with a fortified sense of resourcefulness, strength, and courage that I had almost forgot was in me. 

The experience was truly eye opening and unforgettable.

Traveling solo: Barcelona 2017

A couple of months ago, I made a trip to Barcelona, Spain and I decided that I was going to do the trip on my own.

Sometimes, when you’re single, you wait until you’re dating someone before you take a vacation away. But I got tired of waiting for “someone” to take a vacation away with, and instead I decided to take this chance on myself to see exactly what I’m made of.

Now there may be some people who would commend me for being brave or courageous for traveling alone, but I would like to clarify that I was not truly by myself. My parents were already in Barcelona on vacation, and we were fortunate to have our extended family offer all of us a place to stay for the night. But it was during the day that I chose to forego any company and explore the city on my own and it was the most rewarding experience I could have ever hoped for.

Traveling alone in another country where you don’t speak the native language can be daunting. It requires you to step out of your comfort zone and into a new world of foreign sights, sounds, and tastes. It completely disorients your senses. And yet it also allows you to truly focus on yourself, your surroundings, and your experiences.

People who have never traveled alone often describe their first solo trip as a rite of passage into adulthood, and I have to agree. Traveling alone gives you the chance to indulge yourself fully, and take in new surroundings unfiltered by the prejudices, tastes or preferences of a traveling companion. Your schedule is entirely yours to decide. And the lack of familiar people to interact with forces you to engage much more directly with your surroundings and focus on where you are rather than who you're with. You begin to process on a deeper level and you are more willing to try new things.

Don’t get me wrong, it can definitely get lonely and unsettling not to have anyone else around for backup. But being able to get yourself out of a jam or figure out where you are when you're lost can give you a new sense of confidence and faith in your own resourcefulness. It is an extremely satisfying feeling when you realize that the person you can always rely on is yourself. You learn to enjoy your own company and to look at your life with some distance and reflect on your goals and aspirations with fresh eyes. Exploring Barcelona gave me the chance to open my mind and look at the problems I was facing in new ways, to discover the beauty in simple pleasures, and to witness the awe-inspiring world around me.

Making money doing what you love vs. Making money in order to afford to do what you love

How do you choose between making money in a career doing what you love versus making money in order to afford to do what you love? 

It’s no secret that I aspire to be a creative. It is the tagline for this very website. But my current employment role isn’t exactly the most creative. Although It allows me to observe and work directly with creatives to help develop pieces and advance projects, I am not directly responsible for the art of the pieces themselves. 

For years, I have contemplated the idea of jumping into a more creative role. But every time I confront the decision, I wonder - Is the grass really greener on the other side? My current position affords me the resources and the time to pursue my passion on my own terms, but a creative position would provide me with real life challenges to practice my creative skills and critical thinking. 

I wonder if I make the jump, would I be happier making money pursuing my passion? Or will making money off of my passion change the way I feel about it. Will it really fuel my creative drive or will it destroy it?  

Now I just want to say that I realize that everyone’s journey is different and the answer varies from person to person, but I am curious as to where people stand on this topic.

The Detour Year

Two months into 2017, I found myself at my wit’s end with my current employment situation. I was overworked, under-appreciated, and completely uninspired. I wanted something new, challenging, and exciting, and I was open to new opportunities. 

A few weeks into my job search, an opportunity presented itself to me - it practically fell into my lap when I wasn’t looking. This opportunity promised new challenges, growth, and the chance to further advance my personal interests and endeavors. And after a year of working my nose against the grindstone trying to conform to the expectations and standards of others, these words were magic to my ears. I did not hesitate to say yes. 

The days that followed, I was in a state of absolute euphoria. I could finally stop caring about the work that had taken permanent resident in the back of my mind. I knew that I had done good work and anything that happened after I left was none of my concern. My focus now was on all the good things yet to come.

But these feelings were short lived. As I started sharing my joy with others,  I received the same reaction from both friends and family. “What happened to moving to California?”  

What HAD happened to California? If you asked me or any of my close friends or family members last year where I wanted to see myself in one year, any one of us would have told you I was going to move to California and make my break in the production industry. And yet here we are, one year later. And I'm still here..

So I'll tell you what happened to California. Life. As much as I wished that it would be as simple as quitting my job and applying for something on the West coast, it wasn’t.  At least not for me. I had to think about my finances and where I aspired to be. I had to think of my family that needed me to be close. I had to think about my own mental and emotional health and whether or not moving would make it better or worse. 

The grave feeling that maybe I didn’t make the right decision, that I had gotten too eager and too greedy, that instead of stepping forward I took a step back, crushed my spirit. 

But it wasn’t until I heard these words that the pain really began to sink in. 

“This must be your detour year, huh?"

When I first heard those words, they hit a nerve. It was as if a rain cloud had descended on my happy parade, and all I could see was grey. The moment that I thought was something to be celebrated quickly turned into something to be questioned and speculated. My moment was tainted with feelings of confusion, regret, and failure. 

But those words also gave my moment meaning. And I was determined to make the most of it; to embrace this “detour year.” I started tracking my finances and my savings to realistically plan for the future that I hope to have for myself. I decided to actively document all the moments and memories that take place over this next year that will help hold me over through all the moments of doubt that are sure to come - tangible mementos of love, encouragement, and good vibes. I am actively trying to further my learning when I encounter new opportunities such as collaborations on projects and free introductory workshops and learning sessions. And I am trying to forgive myself for the opportunities that went unanswered and the decisions I was too scared to make. 

There's a lot more to come this year, and its going to be a ride. 

Welcome to the Detour Year. 

Hello, I have Anxiety

I have Anxiety. I have been struggling with it more recently for nearly 3 years now. In an effort to help explain my Anxiety to both family and friends, and to help wrap my mind around the source of my struggle, I filmed this video with my good friend to open up the conversation. 

Anxiety and depression are very real conditions. They are happening every day. But we are not talking about it enough and we need to start.. 

I filmed this video back in August of 2016, and it has taken me almost 7 months to post this. For a long time I was held back by fear. The fear of my honesty, my vulnerability, and my truth. The fear of the stigma of others, of their embarrassment, and their disapproving looks. I feared what could come tomorrow, next month, and next year. 

I still have this fear even now. But I am trying to work through this because this isn’t something that is just going to go away because I want it to. It's something I live with and it's something I live in. 

So here it is. This is my story.

The kind words of a stranger.

Today (Feb 10.) while I was standing in my train packed with the rest of the 6pm rush hour, a young man who had been sitting just two people away from me tapped my arm and showed me his phone. He wrote, "Just know that whatever you are going through today, you are going to be okay. Please just keep swimming :)" He offered me his hand and a smile before he transferred off.

When I read his words I immediately broke down and started crying on the spot. I didn't realize what a hard time I had been having nor did I realize that it must have been written all over my face. And it shook me to have a complete stranger who only sat next to me for 20 minutes point it out to me. I don't think I've ever felt that visible or that vulnerable in my life, and it scared me...

I felt the need to share this because, we don't always realize how our words can affect another person's feelings. And how our actions can make or break a person's day. Words are a powerful thing. In a few weeks time, I can't say that I will remember that young man's face, but I will definitely remember his words.

To that young man, I only wish I could have told you what your words meant to me and how much I appreciated them. And to the people standing closest to me who offered their open arms and their hands, thank you. You honestly made my day that much better.

17 Lessons for 2017

1. You can’t love someone into loving you. 

2. People don’t change, they are only revealed. 

3. Be the person you want to love.

4. Frendship is love as much as any romance.

5. You don’t leave the people you love alone.

6.The opposite of loving is not hating, but leaving.

7. If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy. Even if you wind up being left out.

8. Never let fear and stupid pride make you lose someone you care about.

9. There is no way to know why someone has not contacted you, until they contact you and explain themselves.

10. No matter how honestly you open up to someone, there are still things you cannot reveal.

11. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.

12. There are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount.

13. Sometimes sorry doesn’t always mean, “I’m sorry.” Sometimes sorry simply means, “I don’t have words to explain what I’m feeling.”

14. Don’t equate your experience with someone else’s. Experiences are never the same.

15. Universal struggle does not make the struggle universal. 

16. It’s a lot harder to forgive the same offense again every time the memory recurs - you just have to try harder every time. 

17. Don’t wait too long. Life happens when you are busy planning. 

2016 Year Review

2016 was a very tough year. 

Very early on in April, I had my heart brutally broken. And I spent the better part of the year hating myself because of it. I felt small and insignificant. I doubted my value, my self worth, and my ability to be loved. I felt both fear and shame that who I was just wasn’t good enough. 

Bless my brother, my parents, and my roommate who were so extremely patient and supportive, as they watched me cry myself to sleep almost every single night for months on end. I have never been so absolutely inconsolable. As hard as it all was on me, I know how hard it was for them as well. But they did their best to help me put back the pieces of my heart and my life together. They helped me rediscover that there is still life outside of love, and that there are still endless possibilities to pursue new passions, to embark on new adventures, and to find a renewed sense of purpose. And little by little, I started to recognize bits and pieces of my old self again.

2016 brought so many twists and turns that challenged me every step of the way. It pushed me to come face to face with some of my biggest fears and and reflect on my biggest regrets. The year changed me. And I’m sure in ways it fortified my sense of self and made me stronger. Looking back on the year, I can accept the things that happened, and I can forgive myself for the things I didn’t do.

But 2016, you are definitely not a year that will be missed.